tits and/or ass.

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Opportunity! You Could Become A Published Author!

The editors at Turgid Matters Books are in the solicitation phase of an essay compilation that aims to lend insight to a matter of particular cultural revealingness. By amassing the grammatically-suited introspections of a variety of entrants we judiciously deem to comprise a representative sample, we will shed light on a carefully re-worded age-old question: Tits and/or Ass (Body part preference and what it reveals about the self). Oh, yes – light will be shed. Dating standards will be scaled back. Nocturnal emissions will be exculpated.

Interested parties should adhere to the requirements outlined below. In the interest of helping you achieve the level of voyeuristic reflection we seek, the following is an example of the kind of submission that will be skimmed, squinted at, and subsequently folded up and stapled into an ass-shaped hat for our pet rabbit to wear:


“When I go out to the club with my bros, I usually have a few drinks, lean back against the bar, and survey the room and then I decide if I want to score some box. First I check out the blondes. If the hair is long then my eyes will follow it down to her ass, and stay there until she turns around. But only until she turns around because it’s the tits that really churn my buttah. Some dudes pretend like they don’t like fake tits. But those dudes are fags, it doesn’t matter. The best titty job I ever had was this night just after high school. Me and my bandmates were at this party (what happened was that we all realized we were tired of the boring hard-core stuff, and so one night decided that we should make power-riff music dedicated to the themes of hardcore porn. So we did. We decided our new genre was called Core-core, and our band was called Scratchshot! Which was wicked.) Anyway this big old chick who had done some internet stuff was there at this party and we convinced her to take us each in the upstairs bedroom by turn – later we found out that she had titty-jobbed every one of us and we were like “Yes that Rocks!” And so we were all so amped and totally felt like brothers in a way we hadn’t before, you know? We went in the practice space and pounded out this anthem to her, which rocked, it was called “Thanks for the Mammaries,” and it was our most popular ever, it got played almost every week on the local college radio station…”


By contrast, here is an excerpt taken from a more substantial entry:


“…Personally, my jaw goes slack when I am confronted with the either/or attitude with which males persistently state the question: ‘Are you a tits man or an ass man?’ Yea, it is not terribly uncommon for females to use similar phraseology, though one suspects that, most often, this results from the linguistical tyranny of society’s change-resistant, rayon-like fabric. But let us momentarily accept the hypothetical premise of forcing a choice between the primary protrudinal parts of female body. What are men really choosing?

After seeing the data from a controlled study conducted in a heterosexual bar in the greater Duluth area, I was intrigued: Men who have an answer at the ready – this answer is almost always “tits” – are not really interested in which one they would like to have; rather, they would prefer to opine on the matter of which they would prefer to stare at. When asked to consider and actual choice – you get to have one but not the other - the response of one unbendingly pro-tit subject named Tad was to take a long, slow sip of his beer; his his face grew visibly somber; and I could literally see him saying wistful goodbyes to a variety of perfect handfuls, sand-dollar areolas; the waitress with the D-cups and the biker chick who liked to bite her own nipples. I asked if he had indeed changed his mind; he nodded. And before I could ask why, he offered, “Yup. I’ll have to hold on to the ass. Gotta have butt. It’s practically attached to the part that you nail.”

(Please keep in mind that the above are just examples of suitable and not-; we seek to attract a variety of experiences, including those of women. We are having a hard time with the women.)

Do you have an answer to the question of Tits and/or Ass? Send it to us! If your writing has a certain sexiness to it, we may very well read what you have to say. Please clearly delineate a thesis, and make sure your submission is five medium-sized paragraphs in length: attention-grabbing introduction; wholly redundant conclusion; and three lithe, taut body paragraphs in between. If your nipples are attractive when erect, include a series of decreasingly-tasteful pictures so that we may confirm your qualifications. If your ass passes the pencil test,** send verifiable photographic evidence. Best of luck.




**Developed in 1953 by the mildly greasy, sexually ambiguous nephew of Alfred Kinsey, the Pencil Test is widely considered the apex of the Teacher Says It’s Part of Class Period, which in itself is looked upon by scholars as the first sign of postmodernist acquiescence among our nation’s youths. Though it is pre-dated by the True-or-Falsies Quiz, the Pencil Test was the clear inspiration for the Protractor Opinion and, later, the notorious Spit-or-Swallowball Fight. The Pencil Test refers to the practice of removing pants and under-things, then taking a standard #2 pencil and placing it lengthwise along the crease where the heel of the buttock meets the thigh. If, when the hand is removed, the pencil stays in place, you have failed and deserve a spanking. If the pencil falls to the ground, you have passed. And deserve a spanking.