am seated outside in the chilly air, here at the coffeeshop, trying to sketch out a savings/budget plan -- trying to look sophisticated and unflappable. and failing; i just caught my reflection in the window and saw that my face resembles that of a sexually confused gerbil. my 30th birthday is tomorrow. it looms -- not the i-will-now-weave-you-a-fabulous-hemp-blanket kind of loom, but more the abstract-yet-ominous signifier type. on this last day of 20somethingness i am struggling in my search for a bit of peace; for a bit of confidence, a bit of resoluteness in the face of the sizeable solitude that sits before me. as well as to find a way or a mode by which i can do a good job of loving the ones i love. ..and the task feels wantonly tall, today, shit. why is that? shit. i don't know.
so here i am on this gray windy sunday. i try to sit still while i fight the inertia, while i struggle against an all-at-once need for a comprehensive mission statement**. and i do eventually succeed: my body manages, for just a moment, to pass from idleness into stillness, and, then, the furthest-back place in my head clears its throat and ever-so-calmly reminds that the only needed means of strengthening myself lies in remembering my loves. just stating them to myself. then stating them to the ones i love. then demonstrating it where i can; even if, today, that is just the saying of it, there is something very nearly big in the small number of words it takes to do so. then: i love you, my peops, my bruddahs and sistahs who have been and will be there for me; you know who you are; i love you. you have kept your hands on me, have offered me your arm even at times when it has been damnably inconvenient and downright hard. i love you. am so grateful.
** thus far, rejected candidates include:
"I understand perfectly, but that doesn't mean you have to get all emotional."
"Is that really necessary?"
"Mark's Eightfold Abs - The way to the end of suffering that will help you grasp the impermanent and imperfect nature of worldly ideas and make your tummy the envy of everyone if properly developed"
2 comments:
Two things--1) My new found internet popularity has apparently left you with random comments on your blog. I don't know quite how you're gonna feel about that 'cause you're a Cancer. 2)I think we all learned from my last (scary) birthday--they come, and they go. You will get drunk, and you may sleep with your best friends, dad's best friend. Whatever. The point is--there are some who don't know who they are. That is inevitable. Your/my/our daily struggle should be to MAKE SURE those people know. You're at a point in your life where you understand what it's like for someone to stay for you because they love you--have you yet considered what it would be like to go for someone you love?
What I mean is that this lifetime will be defined by the sacrifices you make you create a complete 'you', and by the people who associate with you who truly love you. It is your sole purpose to reciprocate this (trust me--you'll regret it if you don't) Also, on a side note, I wish I was one of those people who truly loved you instead of having a general (yet extremely pervasive) enthrallment with you.
I guess my point is that aside from the phone call you'll receive from SF in the morning, tomorrow will be another (drunken) day. Also, I just worked 70 hours this week, tomorrow is my day off, and I'm DRUNK.
Love (???) --M
Now that you are 30, I've decided it's a cool enough thing for me to do too. I really appreciate the swath-cutting you've done here.
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