the supreme ultimate dictator -

i had a dream where my fatal beauty editor told me to write a piece about “the supreme ultimate dictator.” sure, i’d love to, i said.

i hung up the phone and several problems immediately arose. firstly and most obviously was the choice of terminology: i had to operate under the presumption that the words “supreme ultimate dictator” would comprise the title or, at the very least, the first portion thereof (eg, The Supreme Ultimate Dictator: a Day in the Pants of). which is fine, except that it gives way to some very problematic content-related problems. like, what in the f do i know about dictators? not so much. but what if the editor had not solicited a piece for the political pages, but rather a commentary about supreme ultimate dictatorship in the arena of Music, or the Bedroom, or even the Culture at large? (since those are what essentially make up the main-page tabs on the fatal beauty website, i decided that i had no need to spend my energies crafting an instructional piece, like How to Raise the Supreme Ultimate Dictator, or a reality-ish biopic number like My Big Fat Obnoxious Supreme Ultimate Dictator.)

this combobulation of thought comprised hardly more than the opening sequences of the dream; what followed was my decision to write outlines for all of the above possibilities. for some obvious reason it was much simpler to write and submit several essays than it was to find out what i was supposed to be writing. just as dream-reasons are always obvious, dream-logic is always immediate: i got out some yellow scratch paper and began frantically scribbling notes, without the slightest pause to consider whether my chosen thesis was a winner. the first candidate was sketched out thusly.

1. MUSIC. supreme ultimate dictator : the elton john/tom jones dichotomy

a) the readership could spend all day trying to decide on music's s.u. dictator and not get anywhere. or give up, decide to be ironic and pick ashlee simpson. ..it is painful enough when the author decides to be ironic, let alone the readership. therefore we will skirt the issue by proposing that, were elton john and tom jones to mate, the product of their love would possess the charateristics necessary to dictatorially dominate the music world with a supremecy that, ultimately, could never be matched.

b) that's all we need. the whole essay will be spent distracting the reader from the fact that the thesis is patently absurd; distraction is much easier to write than supporting documentation. in the place of meaningful content will be absurdist suppositions such as

1b) in combination, elton's gliterati and tom's legendary sausage would serve to cause the stoutest of women to feel nubile and fresh, the huskiest of men to sway with what-is-this-thing-that-i'm-feeling uncertainty.

2b) based on the results of a nationwide (and made-up) karaoke study, tom & elton elicit from drunken audiences a desire to sing along that is unmatched. melded together, the resulting voice and lyrics would contain a power sufficient to start a fascist wave in the populace.

3b) the reverberations of this supremely-styled fascism would be felt in the public in ways that seemed at first trivial -- one day we awake to discover that basic cable is comprised solely of VHs 1 thru 46 -- but that would soon reveal the extremity of our subservience (mandatory & regulated man-purse carrying; supervised application of pubic-hair styling gel).

4b) etc.

potential titles:
- It's Not Unusual to Be a Candle in the Wind [marginal impact]
- Can You Feel the Pussycat [lends an uncertainty not suited to a supreme dictator]
- Don't Let Delilah Go Down on Me [strong--conveys sense of dictatorial command].

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