it's a pattern-matching task: read 2 articles, both of which use the concept and career research i did, one of which i spent a while writing, followed by TWO WEEKs of edits with some dude--who, well, no ill will or anything, but if he were to get punched in the neck, hard, i'd feel a pleasant karmic chill run down mine--and he sent me drastic, whole-sections-deleted edits, and the next round cleverly got around commenting on my revisions by tearing up his ealier edits again, sans any of my new stuff. [because of said editing process, during which a lot of funny things got thrown out and i was obligated to replace them with tripe, the article of mine in this entry is long, a sort of greatest hits]
the other one was written by said dude's dudes after they decided to go in another direction. [for my thoughts on another direction, see vicious square]
Q: did huntsmanic write
a)
or b)
You're at a turning point in your life. You are:
A. A college graduate. Hanging out, waiting for that fabulous career you're relatively sure you'll know when you see it, maybe.
Oh no, Mrs. Robinson. I think, I think you're the most attractive of all my parents' friends. I mean that.
B. In college. Which you think you'll finish … eventually.
My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.
C. Not at all sure you’re cut out for traditional college, but know you need to go, and graduate, in order to get an even semi-fabulous career.
I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold bought … or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that.
In an ideal world, you have your eye on that fabulous career job before you get started. And, hey, maybe you do—if so, good for you! How nice that must be for you, to have everything worked out so well, right from the freaking start. Have fun with your perfect life. The rest of us will be here, scoping the scene.
Oy, the rest of us: we who take some time to figure out the career game. This article is for us.
Below is a list of the 11 highest-paying jobs available out of college, complete with the average salary for each, as well as the average salaries for specializations.
But every career has inherent risks. So, where relevant, we’ve added real-world examples detailing the risks and rewards with a given line of work.
11. High school teacher
What you can expect to make: $43,000
from $42,000 (Math teacher) to $52,000 (Spanish teacher)
If you’re considering teaching as your career, here’s the important thing to remember: becoming a teacher doesn’t mean you become your old teachers—it doesn’t have to mean you become someone who is
blinded by his own fanciness
Oh Captain, my Captain.
or a sadistic type with a super-creepy smile who hates everything that Judd Nelson stands for
Don’t mess with the bull, young man. You’ll get the horns.
Don’t mess with the bull, young man. You’ll get the horns.
or a dude who's so boring that you become a whole country's ultimate idea of boring, for a long time, possibly forever.
Bueller? Bueller? Anyone?
10. Nurse
What you can expect to make: $47,000
from $39,000 (perioperative nurse) to $64,000 (nurse trainer)
Death is one of life’s two certainties. Illness, so often preceding death the way it does, could be called a life near-certainty. Why so maudlin? Well, people are being born, dying, and otherwise every day.
Nursing is a rewarding career, with great opportunity for advancement. Just remember, it’s best not to put a sociopath in charge of the mentally ill.
If Mr. McMurphy doesn't want to take his medication orally, I'm sure we can arrange that he can have it some other way. But I don't think that he would like it.
9. Web designer
What you can expect to make: $58,000
from $40,000 (graphic web designer) to $88,000 (flash web designer)
Back in the day, the internets was full of crowded pages with information crammed in the borders and every other word pointlessly hyperlinked somewhere. This was not fishing without a net; this was someone handing you a big twist of tangled net and saying, here, do something. You don’t even like fishing.
Things have changed. The world of web design offers a lot of room to move—you can be a company man, or you can be a successful freelancer, or an entrepreneur.
If you choose this third option and set out to create a sweet money-making website with your stoner friends, you need to
A) make sure your idea’s not being done somewhere else,
B) try not to get women you just met pregnant, and
C) be aware that your stoner friends are, in fact, stoners, and sooner or later you’ll have to give them up and go it alone.
It is, like, the best medicine. 'Cause it fixes everything. Jonah broke his elbow once. We just ... got high and ... it still clicks but, I mean, he's OK.
8. Pharmaceutical representative
What you can expect to make: $59,000
from $55,000 (pharmaceutical sales representative) to $73,000 (pharmaceutical specialty sales representative)
True or False: We're going to put some precocious, pointless Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas-type of reference here, a warning, telling you something like
WARNING! Do not go into the accessible and lucrative field of pharmaceutical representative if all you want to do is fill your car with drugs and drive around with your friend Benicio del Toro.
Well, guess what: FALSE.
Because we’re not here to dance around with “warnings.” You need to be told, straight up: DO NOT DO THAT OR YOU WILL REGRET IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WHICH MIGHT SUCK.
These snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
7. Financial analyst
What you can expect to make: $66,000
from $57,000 (financial operations analyst) to $97,000 (strategic financial analyst)
6. Internet marketer
What you can expect to make: $67,000
from $43,000 (internet marketing specialist) to $124,000 (internet marketing sales executive)
It's in the computer, everything! … It’s like I’m not even me anymore.
The Net is the #2 most-dated movie of the past 15 years, according to ESPN.com’s Bill Simmons, who bumped Sandra Bullock’s tension-free thriller from the top spot because American Pie has surpassed it:
A group of high school seniors desperately trying to lose their virginity before they graduate? Really? For that movie to make sense in 2008,
Today, some internet marketers get to push quality stuff. Still, a lot of them are dandies who won't be exposed until after they get punched in the neck and the dr. avoids performing surgery by discovering their adam's apple didn't get crushed because they don't have one.
5. Network systems administrator
What you can expect to make: $69,000
from $62,000 (network systems engineer) to $99,000 (network systems administrator)
What you can expect to make: $72,000
from $69,000 (engineering geologist) to $67,000 (electrical engineer) to $123,000 (VP of engineering)
Were would we be today, as a society, if we didn’t have engineers to design and build things?
Right, exactly: behind a horse, with only a harness and a poop bag to separate you and it. All of us would be. And we’d be terrible at living this way, we’d be fakers, hardly better than Woody Harrelson pretending to be a one-handed alcoholic bowler pretending to be Amish.
I'm unable to have children. Nasty cheese-grating accident as a boy.
3. Actuary
What you can expect to make: $79,000
from $65,000 (enrolled actuary) to $93,000 (life actuary)
Being a successful actuary comes down to successfully managing risk. At the moment, you might not be in a rush to become the brains behind an institution’s financial safeguards; on the other hand, there are … openings in the field, let’s say. If you’re a natural innovator with a mind that thinks in probabilities, the door’s wide open for you to step in.
11:15, restate my assumptions: 1. Mathematics is the language of nature. 2. Everything around us can be represented and understood through numbers. 3. If you graph these numbers, patterns emerge. Therefore: There are patterns everywhere in nature.
2. Software developer
What you can expect to make: $84,000
from $52,000 (internet software engineer) to $93,000 (software engineer/developer)
In the various corners of the software world, there’s lucrative work to be had—the field continues to grow despite the recession. But be careful out there, okay? Just take care that you don’t
A) Keep working for a company that treats you so anonymously for so long that you have nowhere to channel your anger except toward an inanimate object like, just for example, a printer
No, not again. I … WHY does it say paper jam when there IS NO PAPER JAM!?
or B) Get so twisted up in your own self-esteem issues that you end up redirecting all your impotent rage towards an inanimate object like—you guessed it—a printer.
Mm, yeah, that’s it, that’s exactly what I need. Uh-huh. Yeah, give it to me!! Come on, you little fucker, let’s go! That’s what I need! Let’s do that—let’s do EXACTLY THAT.
1. Investment banker
What you can expect to make: $112,000
from $73,000 (associate) to $116,000 (investment banker)
Whether the markets are bullish or, as today, extraordinarily bearish, a career in the ever-moving world of investment banking requires an almost supernatural level of energy—a pitiless persistence. If you naturally possess these traits (or are motivated enough to develop them) you'll do very well for yourself.
If you do make the Wall Street jump, be warned that taking cutthroat advice from Michael Douglas might lead to you starring in a string of outstandingly unfunny sitcoms. You could end up with only the stories of your cocky drug-fueled behavior to distinguish you from that one guy on Two and a Half Men. Oh … oops.
Power Corrupts. Absolute power is pretty neat, though.
These are things to keep in mind.
3 comments:
Wow! This is my favorite game since, "Guess which one I fucking ate," "Guess which one I fucking fucked," and my mom's superfun standard, "Guess which one I fucking popped out of my fucking vagina."
used to play Guess Which One I Fucking Shat all the time, even bet on it. but i kept losing.
hand up hand up i volunteer for said neck punching. sold bought processed, indeed — you just traipsed through my zeitgeist's greatest hits of struggling maledom. we must have lunch.
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