Les Storéables!

A Play in One Part of One Act

by Marques the Sade


Cast (in order of appearance):
- Marques, an employee – Despite the eager green of the polo he wears beneath his red apron, Marques is a weary-beyond-his-years part-time employee who is convinced that everything sad he sees is important. Marques has rapidly graying hair that is matched by the graying of his worldview.
- The German Woman, a customer – Has a fine point for a nose and blue plastic daffodils for eyes. The German Woman’s shiny skin comes into view at the toe line of her black flats and continues up to the hem of her simple black dress, which is roughly the size and shape of an oven mitt. An oven mitt, with holes cut in it for the arms and head. Her voice is melodic, which is unusual since it is also German. In one arm she cradles a pair of brown cowboy boots.
- Samad, a manager – Is the kind of person people talk about only by accident. Samad raises his voice only when announcing things everyone already knows. The length and slope of his neck suggest the lovechild of Snoop Dogg and Dopey Dwarf. Samad’s idea of keeping things light is encouraging his underlings to call him “Sam-to-tha-Ad.”
- The Dudes Who Work at Bartell’s, two customers who buy nothing – Against the backdrop of un-tucked white button-downs with the collars open, The Dudes Who Work at Bartell’s wear striped rayon ties loose around their necks. They each are drinking Slurpees and smile at everything, making it clear that the weed is stashed in the glove box of the ’85 Peugeot, which they share.

The scene - The interior of Storables, a place of business that sells boxes and box accessories, which exist in a number well beyond reason. It is a sunny August Saturday afternoon and customers are scarce. Having been zoned in the windowless back quadrant of the store with the hanging shoe racks and the closet poles, Marques busies himself by imagining a screenplay starring a deaf child who speaks only in beat-box and the gay priest who saves him.

The German Woman walks past him on her way to the shoe racks. The eyes of Marques bob in time with her tiny hips. Marques follows her at a distance which is discreet, though the shape of his mouth is not.

Marques: Are you finding everything?

The German Woman (Holding up a metal hanging-rack system with one hand while the other holds a pair of cowboy boots): Does zis really fit on top of ze dohr?

Marques: Zes, ahem, yes. This one is the display model, so the hooks are bent a bit. (Marques takes the rack from her and straightens the metal hooks in as suggestive a way as possible.)

The German Woman: Now it vill fit?

Marques: It’ll fit. It may be tight, but it will fit. Anyway our return policy is so open.

The German Woman (moving rapidly away): Vell then, tank you I see.

As Marques watches The German Woman walk toward the exit, he feels a voice calling to him as if from behind his nutsack.

Samad: The rods should be straight at all times!

Marques: Vertical.

Samad: Perfectly vertical! The rods.

Marques: What was I thinking.

Samad brushes past Marques, his nipples jutting out authoritatively from behind his shirt. Samad does not wear an apron. The Dudes Who Work at Bartell’s appear at the other end of the aisle.

Marques: Hello. How are you doing.

The Dudes Who Work at Bartell’s are busy slurping from their Slurpees. They wave at him. Marques momentarily considers them both to be deaf and wonders after their beat-boxing skills. Eventually they speak.

The Dudes Who Work at Bartell’s: Hey man.

Marques: Are you finding everything?

The Dudes Who Work at Bartell’s (smiling): They make us ask the same thing at our store.

Marques: Where is that.

The Dudes Who Work at Bartell’s: Bartell’s. Up the street.

Marques: Can I help you with anything.

One of the Dudes Who Works at Bartell’s (smiling): It hurts me, you know?

The Other Dude Who Work at Bartell’s: Fully. It’s like I ask if you need anything then you are guaranteed to ask where to find the keychain studfinders we haven’t carried in like eight years.

One of the Dudes Who Works at Bartell’s: And you'll be very insistent and probably get upset.

The Other Dude Who Work at Bartell’s (pointing): Always. I think I see refrigerator magnets over there.

One of the Dudes Who Works at Bartell’s: Let’s go.

(As he watches them move off, Marques considers that if he looks at his watch then he will know how long it is until his break.)


The end.